It seems to me that the very pursuit I am on in my life often takes a detour through roads and valleys that I never meant to travel. I long with all of my heart to wholly pursue God in His fullness, but sometimes I end up in places far away from where He is. I do not understand it except to say along with Paul, the author of the book of Romans, "for what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do." This just reminds me that I, apart from my precious Jesus, cannot walk this Christian life and be as intimate with Him as I would like to be. I need HIM to impart His power and grace upon me every moment of every day.
Last weekend I had the most amazing time with God that I have had in a VERY long time. I was so blessed to be able to go to the "Deeper Still" conference in Las Vegas. I was honored and humbled to sit and listen to Beth Moore, Kay Arthur, and Priscilla Shirer speak from their hearts directly to me (OK, not exactly directly, but it felt like it sometimes). I can truly say that I left that conference a different person than I was when I walked in. I truly met with my Jesus and heard Him speak words to me that I have longed to here, but have been so afraid of pursuing. I know now that I can move forward in my relationship with Him because I have finally allowed Him to have all that I am, I am no longer holding anything back. God really used Beth Moore to get my attention and to turn my gaze back onto Him. There were some things that had to be dealt with before God could do all He wanted to in and through me. God did capture my heart again... there, on the floor of the Thomas and Mack Convention Center, I knelt before God and surrendered to Him the things that I KNOW have been holding me back from fully serving Him. I looked my precious Savior directly in the eyes there on the floor of that auditorium and asked Him to move me forward with Him, that I wanted all He wants for me.
One of the things that I have longed to do for Him is to write a book. I have aspired to share with other women how God has changed and molded me to love Him more and more. I desire to teach them all the things that God has shown me through His infallible Word, but I have never fully pursued it because I have always felt so very inadequate and unable. I have had the "why would God use me when he has Beth Moore" mentality.:) God very quietly spoke to me this weekend through Kay Arthur when she said, "Where are the women who are willing to exposit the scriptures and teach them to other women?". I know that God was speaking to me, because it has been a desire of my heart for a very long time.
This weekend as I watched those beautiful women of God up there teaching the Word, my heart felt like it was on fire. I desire to share the Word with women so much that I feel like I can hardly stand it. I know the Lord has given me this passion and I fully intend on using it to bless Him and He has done for me.
It has been a week now since the conference and I cannot think of anything else. When I wake up, I am thinking of what I should write down. When I eat lunch I am jotting down notes of things to type in later. When I lay my head on my pillow at night my mind runs wild with the zillions of things I want to say; all I want to do all day is write! :) For now I know that is not what I am supposed to do full time since I have a class full of third graders who would be running wild if I decided not to show up to work next week, but I know I can write as He leads me. So, as you think of me, pray that I would somehow honor the Lord with the words that proceed out of the mind of this silly girl who loves the Lord so much!